Interview With an American Flag

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with the American flag...

– Good evening.

– How ya doin’?

– Fine, thanks. So, shall we begin?

– No problem. You mind if I smoke?

– Go ahead.

(Flag lights up and exhales with a sigh)

– Lately, you’ve been a magnet for controversy. How has all of this taken its toll on you?

– Well, it’s a hard gig being the symbol of American democracy, let me tell you. And since 9/11, I feel like I don’t even have a personal life. I can’t walk down the street without people stopping to salute me. For a while there, people were crying left and right. On a windy day I just tried to keep my head down and ignore it. But, you know, when you can’t go to a baseball game with your son without a stadium full of people singing the anthem in every key under the sun, it can be frustrating. But, hey, this is what I signed up for, right?

– How does it make you feel, to be so popular again?

– I don’t know. It’s a double-edged sword, you know? On one hand, I’m happy to have gotten such a boost to my career. But, on the other, it also feels kind of hollow. It’s not like we just beat back the Nazi scourge and saved the world, you know? Soldiers aren’t coming home and kissing ladies under me.

– But, there is a war going on.

– Yeah, yeah. But, it’s not the same. I can see it in the way people look at me now. People used to look up to me and think about truth and justice. Now they look at me and their foreheads scrunch up like they don’t know what to say. Sometimes, when I’m flying over the White House, I feel like I’m still draped over some guy’s coffin, you know? Sure, a lot of people idolize me, but I keep wondering if it’s the act or me that they love?

– The act?

Yeah, you know, the image. Fox News and American Idol has my mug all over the place, and I see bumper stickers at every stop light singing my praises. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t live the way I do without all that publicity. But no one takes the time to get to know the real me under all the hype.

– What would you like them to know, the people you’re talking about?

- I don’t know. Just, that I’m a normal everyday symbol for a sovereign nation, you know? I like chocolate, and I can play the trumpet. I have a degree in vexillology. You want to hear something crazy?

– Sure.

– I hate apple pie.

– Really?

– No lie. I just don’t like cooked apples. As a fellow symbol, I admire the stuff, but as a dessert – no thanks.

– Congress recently spent a great deal of time and taxpayer’s money debating whether or not it should be illegal to burn you. When they voted over making a new amendment to the constitution, it failed by one vote. How did you take it?

– Oh, man. I tell you. I was scared it would pass.

– Seriously?

– Oh yeah. I’m a smoker, man. I’ve been trying to quit since I had 48 stars, but what are you going to do? The stuff is addictive. So, I was worried about a constitutional amendment. Things can be interpreted so loosely these days. I figured I would have to give up squares. But, hey, no biggie now, huh?

– But, what about all the those who say it should be illegal to desecrate something so many people died for, something that has given so many people hope, especially recently?

– Come on, man. It’s not me that gives people hope, and I don't think anyone has ever died for me either. I’m just a flag, man, look at me. I’m just cloth and thread. All those soldiers died for an idea, a nation. I’m just a representative of all that. I’m not some sort of religious figure. I flap from the side of a pole all day; I don’t go around healing the sick.

– But, you’re such an important symbol.

– So is the constitution. Why not make a law about burning that? I mean, if you’re to amend the constitution so you can’t burn me, you should make it illegal to burn the actual document you’re amending while your at it, right?

– Well…

– Well, nothing. I’ve got no problem with people having pride in their nation and its principles. But, don’t come around and think I’m the embodiment of all of that stuff. Hell, this is a country with over 200 years of violent, confusing history. You can’t sum all of that up with one symbol. If you burn me, you know what you’ll get?

– What?

– Ashes. That’s all. Just Ashes. You should be more concerned with the people who run this place than the colored lines on their lapels.

– You sound angry. Are you saying you disagree with how this country is being run?

– Look, man. Ask any flag out there and they’ll tell you how tired they are of taking all the heat, no pun intended, for what the people they represent do. I don’t like getting burned alive by a bunch of ignorant protestors in Iran just as much as I don’t like getting saluted by a bunch of homophobic dropouts. But, what really rubs me raw is when those congressmen were up there debating on whether or not people should stand up and protect me when they have been shitting all over my face ever since they took office. Figuratively of course, I mean, there are people who actually shit on me in protest, but that’s different.

– It doesn’t make you just as mad when uninformed people, ahem, defecate on you.

– No, man. I’ve been flying over this place since the beginning, and I can tell you. The last thing I was supposed to stand for was punishing people for disagreeing with what I symbolize. Sure, shitting on me or burning me in public is simple-minded and seditious, but when what I symbolize mutates into something people can’t support any longer, that’s not sedition, it’s democracy.

– Wow. That’s really not what I was expecting to hear.

– Yeah, well, sorry. I may be "Old Glory” but I’m still a young flag with plenty of room for stars. Not that that matters much, Libya’s flag is just a big green rectangle. The point is, this country is still defining itself, and not everyone thinks burning me is that big of a deal. Besides, I don’t think the amendment they were proposing was all that well thought out.

– How so?

– Well, I’m Catholic, as I’m sure you are aware, and I don’t think the debate about burning me addresses just what exactly a flag is. I mean, when does a flag begin?

– I’ve never considered that.

– Exactly. Think about it. A flag factory has all these ingredients, you know, flag parts, and they have to dye them and stitch them all together and all that. So, would it have been illegal to burn the fabric and the little stars? I mean, they’re just unborn flags when you think about it.

– But what if they didn’t use the…ingredients, for lack of a better word, at the last second and just tossed them out?

– This is where I have a problem with this whole constitutional amendment thing. I mean, they could make something else out of those parts, like a hat or something, and that wouldn’t be a flag, right? And what about flag t-shirts and stickers? Could you have burned those? It’s ridiculous. What if you’re a flag collector and your house burns down? What sort of legal language would they have had to come up with to cover all the scenarios? It seems like a big waste of time when there are people in this country who still have to work an entire day to pay for half a tank of gas.

(looks at watch, snuffs cigarette butt)

-Look, I’ve got a photo shoot I have to be at – I have to drape a kid crying or something. You, know, standard symbolism work. I’m always representing someone’s idea.